Game 7: Flushin' The 'Deck!

"Polar Opposite"

What a difference a week makes. From a bunch of bumbling buffoons in the field and not being able to hit a softball with an ironing board to perfectly executed defense and an offesive explosion that rivals my ass after half a bottle of BBQ sauce. Mind blowing.

After coming off a horrific loss we stepped in, put our heads together, and absolutely crushed The Upperdeckers. At the plate and in the field, it was 5 innings of Bears mastery. That's right, I said 5. Not because we fell apart after the fifth, but because even though they call it a "mercy", there was none.

Bears 16

Upperdeckers 0

Season: 3-3

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The Positives: (this may take some time)

Hitting: I mean, seriously. Every single one of us sans that clown in the cargo's got at least one hit. The whole team. We peppered them for 8 runs in the first inning alone and they didn't record an out until a fielders choice on the 10th hitter. Fine, so maybe the opponent wasn't the greatest pitcher in the league, but still, we hit like we were supposed to hit in that situation. The mentions are lengthy but most notably is Jeff "Silent Until 3 Natty's" Fennelli with a 5 RBI, 1 triple, 1 HR night and Jose "Listen to ME!" Lora with a wall clearing HR of his own. Hell, even I, your cellar dwelling 11th hitter notched a 2-3 with 2 RBI's. Rare.

Pitching: What can you say? See the score? That's right, #44 continues to pitch wondefully and tossed a shutout! As usual, he did his job and we finally added some run support to go with it. A lot. If we can keep that up, this ship will sail nicely. Superb job Mr. Studebaker - it was a pleasure to catch.

Defense: Absolute perfection. A bobble here and there? Sure? Did those turn into dumb mistakes or stupid throws? Not once. Smartest defense I have seen this team play all year. Great relays, cutoffs, people backing each other up and getting the lead runner out! I mean, our heads were actually on our shoulders and well out of our ass. Awesome.

The Negatives: (this will be much quicker)

Timing: What do I mean by this? There's a right time to argue calls, and there's a wrong time. Last night is a prime example of a wrong time. Face it, those umps were atrocious but we had the benefit of a large lead the whole time and trying to make points over and extra run or a silly overlooked out does nothing but make us look like world class jack-offs. We're better than that and we've been on the end of some slaughters and we know how we feel about "those" teams. Hell, I will go to the wall with you in a tight game. Hardcore. But sometimes, its just better to let it go.

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Ok, its time for "The Gieco Bears Player of the Game" award! Each week the 'Cap selects a player for the G-Pog, This Award is for an individual(s) who displays outstanding play in the field, at the plate, or in the bar. It can be game saving, heroic, or maybe just shatting ones pants sliding into third.

And now, presenting this weeks winner...(drum roll..)

Jeffrey "Silent But Deadly" Fennelli!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Mild mannered and soft spoken since day one, Jeff Fennelli decided it was time to make some noise. While quietly toiling around the .333 mark, Jeff said, "Listen to this bitch!" and proceeded to unload at the plate with a HR, a tripple, and a sac fly ammasing a total of 5 RBI's. A quiet man with a loud bat, you sir are a silent killer.

Congratulations Jeff! You are this weeks "The Gieco Bears Player of the Game"!

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Each week the Bears head to Brother Jimmy's on 80th & Amsterdam for some Ice cold $2 beers, shots of Patron, delicious wings and rib tips, an amazingly hot bartender, and God willing, unsuspecting young ladies willing to stroke the ego's of men who cling to the belief that they still "got it". During these endeavors, some interesting things can be "Overheard at the Bar".

ALERT: The writing staff at "OatB" is on hiatus simply because the head writer is just too stupid and gets too bombed to remember what the hell exactly went on. What he does know is that the pooch got majorly screwed this week and we, the Bears, who frequent the same place every damn Wednesday, didn't recieve one buy back until Adam had to ask. Now we'll have loogies in our rib tips every week. Please Ashley, come back. Soon.

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Other Business: 'Taint none. Not that I can think of. I think all the deadbeats have paid up.

Next Game: Wednesday, June 4th, 6:10 PM, Field 2, vs. Red Wagon

Now, for you noob's who don't know, Red Wagon might be the squad we despise the most. One of their members (no pun intended) blatanly proclaimed to the team we just beat in the first round of the playoffs last year, "You lost to those guys??" And we were well within ear shot. He also asked one of our old players who happened to be of Indian (dot, not squaw) decent, "shouldn't you be playing crickett?" So please, lets bring whatever it is we brought last week to this one. This would be a satisfying win of epic proportions.

Well, that's all I got for this week. Fantastic job all around. Great mindset, great play, great times after. This is what its all about from here on in. Win or lose.

Carmel covered nipples for all...

- James Buddy "Hard Hittin' At #11" Villani

Game 6: Drubbed by Dub

    

"Sack the Fuck Up"

When I was about 15 I started baby sitting for some of my parents friends around our community. I didn't mind it too much then because it put a little money in my pocket and  I knew where most of the porn was in some of the homes. But I knew I didn't want to do it forever. At my age now I still don't. I also don't want kids. But boy, sometimes on Wednesday's I feel like that's exactly what I have and what I'm doing and quite frankly, I am tired of it. The incessant whining, the excuses, the in-fighting, and the "Wah! My feelings are hurt" because some members may try to push one another to not be a pitiful squad bullshit ends now. I swear to God. If you were looking to be coddled you're on the wrong team. I understand it's supposed to be fun but the "It's ok Bobby! You'll do better next time" after the 20th basic error shit is back in Little League. 

Sack the fuck up, stop sitting when you pee, and for Gods sake (and I can't stress this enough) LEAVE IT ON THE FIELD.

Bears 4

Dub Squad 10

Season: 2-3

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The Positives:

Pitching: Good to have 44 back on the mound. They didn't smack it around too bad and the hurling was what kept us at least close. Good job in some shitty conditions. Hopefully some run support is on the way.

Defense: I'm going to put this here despite the numerous errors just in case there's some leftover trauma in some from my opening salvo. See, I too can be nice. Now, the IF did a pretty nice job given the conditions. Other than a throwing error or two, I didn't notice any on the ground. Tommy "Busted Oakley's" O'Melia did a good job at 1b for our ailing JLew. And of course, I can't write this without mentioning the absolute web gem snare at third by Pete "Fuck You If You Think I'm Cooked" Lie. Ho-lee-shit. 

On the outfield we weren't as strong as we usually are. It wasn't absolutely horrendous by any stretch, but we definitely had some communication issues and below average (for us) play. Not the end of the world and we'll pick it up next week.

The Negatives:

Hitting: "You may run like Hayes but you hit like shit". Captain Lou was right. We are awful at the plate. Well, we were last night. A big nod to the back to back jacks by John "RUN IT OUT!!" Malosh and Scotty "I Know How To Play" Foster, and Tommy O's killer belly-floppin' out of gas triple. Other than that, not too much to brag about. Yes, their pitcher was pretty good, but that's no excuse. He K'd four people and we got a grand total of 6 hits - none of which happened until the third inning. We're in deep shit of we don't change that. I will be making some line up changes. It's necessary and please, no one take it personally for the love of Christ.

Excuses: Please stop. We're human. We're going to fuck up. And if we do, just "my bad" or something. If we were as good at softball as we are at making excuses, they'd already be engraving our names on the trophy. 

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Ok, its time for "The Gieco Bears Player of the Game" Award

Each week the 'Cap selects a player for the G-Pog, This Award is for an individual(s) who displays outstanding play in the field, at the plate, or in the bar. It can be game saving, heroic, or maybe just shatting ones pants sliding into third. 

And now, presenting this weeks winner...(drum roll..)

Tommy "Get On My Belly!" O'Melia 

"Hitting 10th with a 0-2 count coming on hard whiffs, Tommy O dug in and fought off the opposing pitcher denying him strike three. After numerous foul balls into various lakes and streams, Tommy laced a rocket into left field! With as much speed as a Eight Belles after the Derby, Tommy trucked hard around the bags and literally laid into third base bagging the Bears first triple of the season! This effort, as well as fantastic blocking and tackling at the 1B position coveted the award. Congratulations Tommy, you are this weeks "Geico Bears Player of the Game!!!!"

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This weeks episode of "Overheard at the Bar" will not be seen tonight. In its place is random douche commercials, The View, and general women-like bitching. Stay tuned for next weeks episode when hopefully something worth watching will air.

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Other Business: Pay Ken. Next week, I start naming names. I'm not kidding.

NEXT GAME: Wednesday, May 28th, 6:10PM, Field 2 vs. The Upperdeckers

I'm not even going to say it, but this should (I stress should) be like getting dumped by a very hot chick only to bang a Penthouse model the very next week. Enough said.

In summation: 

Did this whole recap sound overly negative? Was it fun? Well, that was my point. Because the negativity we have going right now has to stop. Its a bad vibe and I personally have had enough. We're all good guys, no one is under contract, and for Gods sake, it is still supposed to be fun. Let's just try to loosen up next week and take it easy. I'll be the first since my head explodes from the get go. I promise. If we keep acting like d-bags like its getting to be, I'm handing the reins over and Adam can finish running things for the year. No joke.

Hugs and kisses...

- James Buddy "13 Guys, 13 Cabs Is Unacceptable" Villani

Game 5: A Craptastic Adventure

"Taking That Ride"

So I'm on the train this morning and I am looking at this woman who's probably in her late 40's early 50's but she has spectacular round cans and they're not drooping. She was German so she probably smells a bit and her butch haircut was none too impressive but yet I couldn't stop thinking about and wondering what those orbs look like unsheathed. Not to mention what they must have been in their hayday and if, in fact, given the chance, would I go there.

Where am I going with all this? Nowhere. That's the whole point. And if our efforts and play continue like last nights debacle that's where we're headed. In the words of George Jetson, "Jane!! Stop this crazy thing!!!"

Bears 7

Here Dogs 19

Season: 2-2

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The Positives:

No one was seriously injured or died. Yup. That's all I got. If you can think of any...oh wait, the ump sold us two brand new balls for only $10. Let me know if anything else springs to mind.

The Negatives:

All of it: Sad but true. We were abysmal in pretty much every aspect of the game. Hitting, fielding, pitching (though solid effort from two people who don't normally play the position), fundamentals, throwing, the whole nine yards. We have to master the basics at least. We are absolutely killing ourselves with errors in the field and in the brain. I do it too so don't think I'm singling anyone out. It's going to be a LONG season if we don't figure something out soon. I know we're out to have fun but I also know no one wants to be a part of that every week. What's the point? Lecture over.

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Ok, it's time for "The Geico "Bears" Player of the Game" Award!!

 

Each week the 'Cap selects a player for the G-POG.

This award is for an individual(s) who displays

outstanding play in the field, at the plate, or in 

the bar. It can be game saving, heroic, or maybe 

just shatting one's pants sliding into third. 

And now, presenting this weeks winner...(drum roll..)

The Wookie Girl at the bar!!!!!!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, due to unspectacular play all around the only thing that gave us any pleasure for the evening was seeing Chewbacca's kid sister ordering drinks and hanging with her pals at the 'ol watering hole! An unprecedented act in G-POG history! Congratulations Sasquatch, you are this weeks "Geico Bears Player of the Game!!!"

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Each week the Bears head to Brother Jimmy's on 80th & Amsterdam for some Ice cold $2 beers, shots of Patron, delicious wings and rib tips, an amazingly hot bartender, and God willing, unsuspecting young ladies willing to stroke the ego's of men who cling to the belief that they still "got it". During these endeavors, some interesting things can be "Overheard at the Bar". 

This weeks episode: "Gillette Has Met It's Match"

After getting ready to wrap up a light night at the canteen, in walks a big 'ol group of women for our perusal. After assessing the situation, some quips were noted:

Buddy: "Oh Jesus. It looks like a pack of cubs from the Ugly Forrest."

Jarrett: "Holy Shit!! I kid you not! Look at the girl in the purples shirt! Did anyone see that?? Those are the hairiest fucking arms! I'm not joking!!" 

And my friends, he wasn't kidding. Before long, we were all completely fixated. If her body was blocked and all you saw were her arms grabbing beers, you would have sworn Big Foot just bellied up. We took turns going to the bathroom just to lay eyes on the phenomenon. So much so that a perfect stranger interjected between Rob G's and Tommy O's discussion on it (in the head) and ventured out for his very own eyeful of surreal patch. Whoa. 

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Other Business: Whatever slackers that haven't paid Ken need to do so before I start publicly calling you out!!!! 

NEXT GAME: Wednesday, April 21st, 7:30 PM, Field #2 vs. Dub Squad

You think they're not going to be gunning for us after our last meeting? Think again. They also beat Charter last night. We need an A game to put last night away and get us back over .500. Let's channel whatever the hell it was from the first meeting and get it done.

With a highly explosive backside to you all...

- James Buddy "I Can't Believe the Co-Pilot of the Millennium Falcon Was Here!" Villani   

Game 4: They Only Had Eight??

"You Can't Polish A Turd"

One of my all-time favorite sayings. I first heard it in 1986 when I was washing my $350 Ford Fiesta my mom (God rest her soul) bought me right after I got my license. This car was a right piece of shit and someone walking by uttered, "You know, you can't polish a turd". As insulting as it was, they were right.

Last night's game was a classic "Turd Polisher". On paper, we won walking away, but we all know we shined up a stinker and came pretty close to disaster. 13 of us. Eight of them. A tie game in the 5th. We did previal, but in the future, lets leave the polish in the shinebox.

Bears: 14 Upperdeckers: 6

Season: 2-1 The Positives:

Hitting: Except for innings 2 - 5 which featured five ground outs to first in a row, we opened up a 6 run barrage in the first which was fuelled by an absolute bomb courteous of Jimmy "My Vagina Hurts This Week" Varian. They could have had 15 guys out there and it wouldn't have mattered. A nod to John "Calm and Collected" Malosh who busted his slump Ortiz style and Pete "Come Stuff My Prius" Lie for his base clearer. Lastly, to the bottom of the order for sparking a seven run sixth. Anchors away boys! Bottom dwellers UNITE!!!!

No Fold Factor: Even though it got touchy we stayed with it and did what we had to do in order to win a game we were supposed to. This team hasn't always done that in the past and its a real positive move in the right direction.

The Negatives:

Defense: We were less than stellar. Way, way too many errors and just basic "don't do it" shit that quite frankly I was shocked to see. I'll chalk it up to an off night but there's no way in hell we are going to remain competetive if we play like that against fully staffed teams. Not a chance. Shake it off, bang a fatty, pray to some idol, whatever...just get it out of our sytems pronto.

Ok its time for.... "The Geico "Bears" Player of the Game" Award!!!!

Each week the 'Cap will select a player who wins the G-POG. This award is for an individual(s) who displays outstanding play in the field, at the plate, or in the bar. It can be game saving, heroic, or maybe just shatting one's pants sliding into third. And now, presenting this weeks winner of the G-POG....(DRUM ROLL...) Adam "Take One For The Team" Slavin

Coming off a shit day at work and still barely able to flog the dolphin let alone throw a softball, Adam Slavin makes his way to the field, in uniform, to support his team. With sage wisdom, a "fuck you" or two for the manager, and some base coaching, he stayed off the field but in our hearts. One man, riding pine. Congratulations Adam, for the second time in a row, you are this weeks "Geico Bears Players of the Game!!!!!"

Each week The Bears head to Brother Jimmy's on 80th & Amsterdam for some ice cold $2 beers, shots of Patron, delicious wings and rib tips, an amazingly hot bartender, and God willing, tons of little monkeys crawling ALL over the place!!! During these endeavours, some interesting things can be.."Overheard at the Bar" .

This weeks episode: "Bennett's STUNNING Adventure"

Not one minute inside BJ's....

Bennett (turns to Rob and Pete): "That young lady behind the bar is STUNNING!"

Gotta love the rookies on the virgin trip. Classic.

Now, except for the two Sally's who bailed and the ever bar-elusive Johnny M, we had the enitre squad out. Absoultely amazing showing. Yeah, my asshole just returned to normal size from the ride up, but so what. Well worth it. And for those that had to leave, I gave up my ride for good reason. I HAD to watch what went down when three girls came in one of them (almost immediately) had her arms around our pitcher. Two cigarette trips later, said ladies bought us a round of shots and beers. Mr. Koufax was doing quite well for himself. Ah, the monkeys - they did come out late last night! Oh yeah, in the midst of all this, a certain newly aquired rather tall gentlemen seemed to be doing some sort of exploritory procedure on a blondes mouth whilst being wrapped in her legs. Hmmm.....

Want to hear more? Stick around next time. Other Business: Someone please tell me they have my sneakers and gray fleece. PLEASE?? I think I left them by, on, or near the bleachers and am hoping one of you may have grabbed them. Anyone? Bueller?

NEXT GAME: Wednesday, April 14th, 8:50 PM, Field #2 vs. Here Dogs

I am not even going to "scout" our next opponent. Who cares. We got away with one and a win is a win but were not a turd that needs polishing. We're the real deal, so next week, lets play like it.

Wings, tips, and turds to you all...

- James Buddy "Fuck It! I'm Staying!" Villani