Don't be insulted. The above is pointing at the author of this here missive as well.
Well, interestingly enough, NASA breaks a story about astronauts being three sheets to the wind whilst in space. And just like a bunch of drunk astronauts, the good 'ol Bears came crashing back down to Earth. 7 game non-loss streak is over and we sit in the wake of a crushing two game sweep by a team that lost to the ever threatening Upper Deckers.
Jones summed it up quite nicely as we ambled our sorry asses of the field:
"That was the worst game I have ever been a part of. Not just with the Bears...ANY!"
Game 1: Bears 11 Vanguard 13
Game 2: Bears 2 Vanguard 19
The Positives:
Full Squad: We had enough to field a team. That's positive.
Hitting: Ok, there were some legit bombs to the short porch by John "Heads Out Of Asses Or I'm Gone" Malosh and Jose "I Vanish Before The Bar" Lora that were quite impressive. And hell, we did catch them and only lost by two in game one, but the damage was done. Even typing the words "game two" in this paragraph is grounds for being raped by a convict on Valentine's Day.
Pitching: That disaster had zero to do with pitching. Great job J. Two solid games and we didn't do anything but waste your effort. We owe you. Glad the wife and kid left. No woman or child should be subject to that kind of carnage.
The Negatives: ("It's Been Awhile..." Staind)
Errors: They were back. With an angry vengeance. I don't know if it was the three weeks off, we disregarded Vanguard based on the standings, or that just no one cared, but hands down why we screwed game one in the ass which mentally set us up for game two. I can count the two errors that cost us extra runs and mine at second is the one I will gladly admit. Without it, its a one run game. I won't name at least three others but do that math and at least we have a split.
Game 2: Just a shit show of epic proportions. From all sides except pitching. We may as well have traded our Bears shirts for US Post Office uniforms becasue we mailed it in on Cliff Clavin level proportions. God. Awful.
Bar Attendance: Well, if there was a grand championship for that we would be a fucking dynasty. Good times and bad nothing will stop us from cold Natty's, warm rib tips, and hot Ashley. Jose's David Copperfield act was a tad puzlling, yet somehow, we soldiered on.
(In announcer Voice:)
"Returning to the glorious fields of dust after a three week hiatus and with a 6 game win streak in tact, The Bears bent over and surrendered like the French. Armed with little desire and a whole lot of fundamental retardation, the Bears posted a nice pair of "L's" in the left column. But there was one bright spot - the consistent pitching of #17, Jason "Saw My Arm Off Now" Jones. With more errors than a Mexican spelling bee and a heap of infighting, he stood strong and tried to make them respectable. Congratulations Jason, you are this weeks "Geico Bears Player Of The Game"! (Raucous Applause)
**Note: I was going to reward Vanguard the GPOG but I just didn't have the heart.***
Other Business:
I still am not aware of what is in our Bears future in terms of make-ups or the playoffs. We are 6-5-2 now and while that may be enough to squeeze us in, the honest answer is I just don't know. So, "Bear" with me (ha ha) and when I know, you will.
Going Forward:
Reading back on this it may sound as I was being a little harsh. Well, I was, and for good reason. We still have a killer team and I don't EVER want to see a repeat of last week. Ever. So lets end it with this here column and be done with it. Its over, the score sheet is clean, and a brand new game awaits. So lets play like the squad that ripped off 7 in a row with nary a loss. Please follow this sage advice:
Bears on three...
Yours in teen Asian porn,
James Buddy "This Team Ages Me" Villani
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